


Battle scars

by Allwaysdressedinallblack



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Flashbacks, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 20:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6624997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allwaysdressedinallblack/pseuds/Allwaysdressedinallblack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically based of the song battle scars by paradise fears. Its after the war and Harry has returned with his friends for eighth year whilst looking back on his secret relationship with Draco and wishing he could go back in time so that things could be the way they were. Id love it if you gave me feedback ^_^</p>
            </blockquote>





	Battle scars

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the characters etc etc. I just thought of the story line. No copyright intended.

Harry watched. He just watched. Silently waiting. He didn't want to push him but it was killing him inside to not take action. It was hard enough before the war. When he'd bumped into Draco that first day in the school halls he never would've guessed that they would end up how they did. And boy was it one exciting roller coaster ride. But it was worth it, for the hidden kisses, the whispered I love you's, the soft and gentle hands that would comfort him when he was sad, the hope and joy and love he saw in his eyes when they were together. It was definitely worth it. But now, now that the war was over he watched and he couldn't find it, he couldn't find 'Draco' anymore, he was just another quiet lifeless boy, and it ripped Harry apart because he still loved him. But the boy had lost his belief in love and in its place were sadness and regret and anger, towards himself and others. So Harry just watched. Wishing he didn't have to. "You coming mate?" A quiet voice asked breaking him out of his thoughts "yea sorry" he muttered as he stood up and followed his friends down to the great hall.

It was silent when he walked in and people stared, they always stared but they never watched. They didn't see it, not the way he did anyway. And Harry was tired and sad and annoyed. That's why it was silent, it seemed to him that everybody's mood was dependent on his, and quite frankly he couldn't bring himself to care. "Are you alright?" came Hermione’s soft and quite voice, he looked over at her and Ron, holding hands and nodded grimly. He knew he shouldn't be but he was jealous they get to be together whilst he was heartbroken and alone. He glanced over to the end of the table where a single Slitherin sat on his own and felt his heart pull towards him, as if sensing his gaze Draco looked up and they locked eyes before he looked down quickly. Harry watched, he knew it would happen. It had happened every day since they got back to school. And that's all they'd become, the eighth years as they were called, those who had come back to try and regain a somewhat normal life. It didn't work, not for Harry anyway and he promptly got up and walked out the hall. He wandered the halls aimlessly for hours just lost in thought. He was thinking about what it was like to feel happy and free. Free. What was it to be free?

_**"you suck potter you know that right?" He laughed "You're just annoyed I caught the snitch again" Harry laughed back. They hopped off their brooms and made their way to the lakeside where they would sit and talk. Sitting in silence for a while before Draco spoke up again "what's it like to be free?" He asked and Harry was taken aback, they were only 14 how the hell was he supposed to know? "Well erm... I think you're free when you're happy you know? Or erm like when you can go wherever you want? I- I don't really know" he trailed of**"I never thought of you as an artist" it was an offhand comment, one initiated by Harry to start a conversation. He had seen Draco draw before but had never seen his finished pieces. "I'm not that good potter" he smirked and Harry turned to look at him smiling "prove it" "a challenge potter I like that" "I want to see your best" "you're my best" he smiled before leaning over and kissing him gently**f quietly. But Draco just smiled and nodded before they decided they had to head back.**_

Harry thought now what it was like to be free and he envisioned him and Draco flying over the lake, or kissing in an alcove in the hallway or sending each other secret notes in lessons. He thought about their last encounter, how Draco had said "you're finally free" before walking away from him. But Harry didn't feel free, he felt more trapped than ever and he didn't know how to fix it this time.

When he finally got back to the shared common room he was tired, aiming to just go straight up to bed but he was stopped by Ron shouting "Harry!" Before scrambling up and jogging towards him. "I'm fine Ron" he said already knowing what was coming towards him and felt everyone go quiet and look at him. "I just, I need to go" he said walking out before anyone had a chance to stop him.

Days had passed and it was the same every time. Like a routine, but he didn't feel anything. He went through motions in a robotic manner speaking only when he had to and he stopped watching. He stopped because he knew it would only be worse for him if he did. Seeing the fragile state that Draco was in made him want to cry and scream shaking his shoulders telling him to snap out of it. But he couldn't so he stopped watching and in turn became another hollow shell of a man. He looked up slowly as he saw a sheet of paper being pushed into his line of sight. It was an enchanted drawing of him turning his head slowly and smiling. He recognized who drew it straight away and felt a small smile creep up as he remembered the day it was drawn.

_**"I never thought of you as an artist" it was an offhand comment, one initiated by Harry to start a conversation. He had seen Draco draw before but had never seen his finished pieces. "I'm not that good potter" he smirked and Harry turned to look at him smiling "prove it" "a challenge potter I like that" "I want to see your best" "you're my best" he smiled before leaning over and kissing him gently**_

Suddenly Harry got the overwhelming urge to cry, so he did and he didn't care that he was still sat in the great hall because maybe if people saw him cry they'd see he's not as tough and brave and everyone thinks he is. Maybe they’d see he’s human too. Watching from a distance Hermione saw the whole exchange and realized what had happened. She rushed off to find Ron and formulate a plan to get Harry back.

When Harry walked into the common room that night Hermione quickly motioned for him to come over. Sighing he slowly made his way through the maze of people and things before he got to her and Ron, sitting down he asked "what's up?" Hermione just smiled before handing him a letter? He frowned but went to open it anyway. "No no no not here" she says urgently and Harry walked up to his room to read whatever the mysterious letter said. Ron looked at her "do you think it will help?" "I know it will trust me"

Not too soon later Harry walked back down and just started talking to anyone who would listen "I used to think of Hogwarts as my home you know, it was a place where I was accepted and knew I was loved. After being stuck in a cupboard or locked room this was an amazing difference but now suddenly I feel homesick and I want the comfort of the bars on my window because it was clear and I knew what would happen. It was a normality which seems lifetimes away to what's happening now and I don't feel like I belong here, I feel beaten and lost and broken and defeated because I once held a treasure in my heart and now I'm heartsick as I had to let it go but I still love him and I don't want to remember the shadow of a goodbye we had but every second of the day I think about everything we went through and how happy we were and how it felt to hear him say I love you and now I'll never hear it again and I don't know what to do because I don't want to live without him knowing he's alive and I-I-I" he cried, helplessly to himself, he let go of all the strength and ripped the brave mask off his face letting himself cry "I love him and nothing makes sense when I'm alone" he whispered not daring look up when a gentle hand was placed on the small of his back before he was pulled into a hug, he knew it was Draco, the hug leaving an all too familiar imprint in his mind and he gripped onto him for dear life. "You're not alone" he whispered softly into his ear rubbing his back and letting Harry cry on his shoulder for all its worth.

Soon after Harry had calmed down Draco suggested they go up to his room and talk away from curious ears and nosy friends. He took hold of Harry's hand making sure to not let go as he pulled them both up the stairs. The silence was excruciating and neither of them could think of what to say. "I'm sorry" Draco whispered, "I can't be who you want me to be, I can't change who I am now, this is all that's left" "I'm scared" "I know" he took a deep breath "you can't save me potter, but you can save yourself" Harry looked up at him sharply then. "No" "no?" "No I won't be saving myself, I'm sick of saving people I'm not a soldier or a healer. I'm just a boy. I won't be saving anyone else not if I can help it" "that's unbelievable! You have the opportunity to change your entire life and you're not going to?!" "Stop shouting at me!" "Stop acting like an idiot!!” “Why do you care?! I THOUGHT THAT WAS IT! THAT IT WAS GOODBYE. THAT IT WAS OVER! IF I WANT TO DESTROY MYSELF I BLOODY WELL WILL AND DON'T START MIXING UP MY EMOTIONS BECAUSE I'VE ONLY JUST ACCEPTED THAT LOVING YOU IS A HOPELESS CASE YET HERE WE ARE AND FOR A SECOND I BELIEVED I COULD HAVE YOU BACK AND ITS GOING TO HURT MORE WHEN YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR SAYING NO BECAUSE IF YOU DO THEN THERE'S NO GOING BACK!" Draco stood shocked, Harry had never shouted at him like that before, tears running down his face shaking "I'm sorry Harry I can't I just can't" and he left. He left and Harry felt empty and alone one again. Throwing himself down on his bed he just cried the discarded letter falling under his bed.

It took Ron and Hermione a week before they coaxed harry out of his room, convincing him to have a shower and take a walk. Most people left him alone but a few gave him small smiles of encouragement and for once he felt like he wasn’t being pressured into being a savior, he was just human. He walked around for a while but with no one to talk to he let himself think. Walking up to the top of a hill he sat down, it felt familiar but he couldn’t place why, he sat pondering on it.

_**they ran up the hill hand in hand, Draco dragging harry behind him. “Merlin you’re so slow potter!” Harry just laughed trying to keep up. By the time they got to the top of the hill they were both out of breath and what could only be described as high on life. “I can’t believe you did that!” “Did you see her face?” “She had no idea what was coming” Harry tried to copy the poor girl’s facial expression causing both of them to start laughing again. “I wonder what our friends would say about us now” Harry mused, Draco looked over at him smiling “They’d say we’re idiots in love”. He crawled over to Harry, straddling his lap and kissing him slowly. Harry eagerly kissed him back lying back on the ground. They kissed hungrily for a few minutes hands travelling over each other’s bodies before Draco moved away to kiss Harry’s neck. “We” he gasped “we should go it’s getting late” “do you really want to potter?” “Merlin no” he moaned as Draco bit his neck lightly, “but Hermione will come looking for me soon and if you don’t, Merlin stop doing that, fuck I won’t have any self-restraint to not let this go further” “Harry why do you always have to be right” Draco chuckled but moved away from his neck, “One day Potter, one day” he smirked as he walked away**_

Oh, he thought, that’s why. Scrambling to his feet as fast as he could he ran down the hill willing the tears to go away. He kept running till he was at the castle, briefly debating whether he could run through the castle before thinking fuck it, he could do whatever he wanted in this moment. The problem of running through the school had only just presented itself to him half way through his journey as he very ungracefully ran straight into somebody effectively knocking them both off their feet. “Harry? Are you alright?” the voice asked and he looked up in shock to see Draco sat on the floor opposite him. He made some sort of strangled noise, panicked and got up running from the situation he had at hand. He didn’t stop to think or look back until he was back in his bed slamming the door behind him. Of course on his first day walking around again he had to just bump into Draco, the world was playing a sick joke on him and he could hear the laughing roaring louder in his ears. Grabbing his head he collapsed on the floor screaming “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP”. The laughter ceased to exist once again and Harry once again felt he could breathe. Not bothering to get up from the floor he passed out welcoming the impending darkness to stop him from his own thoughts.

It’s when he woke up again that he let himself think about Draco and the state he was in, he had looked even worse than Harry and honestly that was hard to do these days. Harry knew running from his problems wouldn’t help him in any way but it gave him some comfort to know Draco was suffering too. Days passed to weeks, weeks passed to months and Harry didn’t get any better. If anything he only got worse. His friends tried to help him anyway they could but he pushed them away, allowing himself to get lost in his thoughts whenever he felt like life was too hard. He missed Draco, and by missed he means he would give up everything to have him back, but he was stubborn and Draco thought he was bad for Harry, so they let themselves fall deeper into the miserable trap of life. Harry soon isolated himself completely from everyone only turning up for his lessons and answering the teachers questions on school work, nobody knew what to do and even Hermione was at a loss for what could help. Draco could see what was happening to Harry and started to look for ways that would make him hate him again, he didn’t want to but to save Harry’s life he’d sacrifice his own and so he put his plan in motion. Within the next few weeks whenever Harry was around Draco would throw insults at him and hex him hoping to get an angry reaction but all he did was walk away without saying a word, he never did anything back and Draco realized he’d have to do something more drastic. Harry on the other hand was trying to work out how to talk to Draco and apologize, he saw through his attempts to make him hate him again easily, he didn’t date the guy for five years to not know anything about him. He was slowly getting up the nerve to do what he had to do to show Draco he loved him and wouldn’t move on, he couldn’t move on.


End file.
